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new reads

Annie Bot - Sierra Greer

I wanted to check out this book because two of my favorite reviewers had listed it on their best and worst of 2024. so what's up with that...
Although i wish we had more time with some plot threads (Delta, the techs, and the Zeniths), i realize that Annie is a reflection of humanity more than an exploration of technology. As Annie herself grows and learns about the world, she becomes less agreeable and more of her own person. She feels indescribable pain when her owner is dissatisfied.

A reviewer mentioned being disappointed by lack of epic robot uprising or straightforward revenge (does not kill the abusive owner)... but to me, the ending perfectly captures the feeling of being free in your own identity and humanity even through the pain of displeasing others.

My own thought:
I hear that many readers connected with this book as a parallel to their own experiences in abusive relationships. For me, I didn't expect to feel so seen through Annie's inner thoughts but ouuughhh. The way she reads "cues" and struggles to choose the least displeasing response... i felt that
Thinking like... are you displeased??? I need to analyze what I've said wrong and learn from it...I need to learn and say the right thing next time... have I read your cue correctly? do you still want me? auuuch

"she is not in charge of her own settings. Her core does not recognize authority in her voice" This is how I often feel being aware of the irrationality of my emotions but still unable to stop feeling everything too much

Kushiel's Dart - Jacqueline Carey

idk if I can say much but WHEWWW PHEWWW richeeeeee asf will be continuing series

re-reads

The Butterfly Garden - Dot Hutchison

I only re-read this when i want to hurt myself and yep it hurted

The Poppy War - R.F. Kuang

Plan to finish this series in 2025, so I needed to go through The Poppy War again. This time, I read through the lens of understanding it's a tragedy. It was important for me to have a specific mindset while reading, and even impossible to think of this story as "just another fun Chinese fantasy". My maternal grandparents are from Nanjing, and I've grown up learning about Sino-Japanese relations and this history. Knowing that the events of Golyn Niis were real, it held a different weight than most other fantasies I've read. Felt sick at times, well done

I didn't feel positively toward Rin and most of the characters, who are intentionally emotionally complex and not very likeable. I think this was serviceable to the themes. Did not enjoy the implied romantic feelings and humor, which felt kinda dissonant to story's mood. I'm fond of Kitay and Venka tho and hope to see more of them in the next books

february plans:
reading more Kushiel's Legacy and anything I feel like in the moment

(major spoilers for ffxiv dark knight quests)

We know that Fray from our quests was born from our own rancor and darkness, but Fray Myste, as he lived, was a real person. I want to explore who he was, how he influenced our comrades' lives, and his connection to the WoL.

At the conclusion of his trial by combat, we hear of Fray Myste as a demon– disciple of the dark arts– a heretic.

Ishgardian Citizen: After witnessing a spectacle like that, everyday life seems rather dull in comparison...
Ishgardian Citizen: Hm? So you didn't see that trial earlier? Ah, your loss. Fury take me, the way that heretic swung that slab of iron he called a sword was a sight to behold!
Ishgardian Citizen: He couldn't have carried a shield if he'd wanted to, the blade was so big. Had to keep two hands on it at all times! I was amazed he managed to keep up with that Temple Knight for as long as he did.
Ishgardian Citizen: Fought like a demon from the deepest pits of the seventh hell, bellowing threats and working his arts. I wasn't sure what to make of it at first, but then I heard someone say that he must be a dark knight!

Fray Myste's death is little more than a spectacle, and the crowd is hungry for justice, but we can sense that something isn't right. This is false righteousness.

Ishgardian Citizen: So as I was saying, that heretic was fighting like a man possessed. Even after he took several wounds, he showed no sign of pain─though there was no mistaking the blood.
Ishgardian Citizen: As the fight wore on, it began to soak through his armor, spreading to every ilm of his body. But when it began to rise and envelop him as a mist, I realized it wasn't blood, but something dark and twisted...
Ishgardian Citizen: But the righteous are not so easily cowed, Halone be praised! I screamed myself hoarse when that Temple Knight slipped past his guard and ran him through.
Ishgardian Citizen: Good riddance, I say. Man was not meant to wield such arts!
Ishgardian Citizen: Yet I wonder...was he truly one of those...those...
Ishgardian Citizen: Well, it matters not. I heard the Temple Knights talking of dumping his corpse in the Brume. By sunrise, it'll be stripped bare and tossed over the walls. It will be as though he never was...and as though we never had this conversation.

When I approach Fray's body in the Brume, the Temple Knights have already plundered his possessions. They leave soon after noticing me.

It's here when we first commune with Fray Myste's dark knight soulstone and manifest the entity we know as "Fray" through our own rage and resentment. I'll go into that more during my NG+ playthroughs, but for now, let's look at Fray Myste's life.

He bears the surname Myste, given to orphans of the Brume. As described in Encyclopaedia Eorzea I:

...a young Fray was set on the dark knight's path when his future master found him plotting revenge over the body of a friend unjustly executed by Holy See officials.

It's a cruel and harrowing twist of fate that would see him perish to the same injustice that he so fiercely fought against. As he lived, he studied the dark arts alongside Sidurgu, again driven by his devotion to true righteousness.

During their duties, they found Rielle and sort of became her guardians:

Sidurgu: She was fleeing from a unit of Temple Knights at the time, who were clearly intent on doing her harm. Needless to say, Fray and I took issue with that, and chose to intervene.
Sidurgu: We went to ground after that, but Fray was caught out in the streets while fetching supplies...

Fray seemed well-respected and even loved by his ward.

He learned conjury to support Sidurgu in combat, and later also became a mentor to Rielle in healing magic. Through his friends' memories, we begin to see the truth around the dark knight's philosophy...

Lv. 52 quest The Knight and the Maiden Fair:

Rielle: Did you know Fray too? He was a good teacher...and a friend.

Lv. 54 quest Kindred Spirits:

Rielle: Are we going to see the conjurers? Fray used to tell me stories of the Fane.

Lv. 56 quest Original Sins:

Rielle: Ever since you joined us, we've visited so many new places. I'm sure Fray would've enjoyed it too...

Lv. 60 quest Absolution:

Rielle: You, Sidurgu, and Fray taught me so much about the world. About what it means to fight for another...and what it means to fight for yourself.

The real Fray's presence lingers in everyone's hearts. During the battle with Ystride, Sid tells Rielle to remember Fray's conjury, and her skills are underscored by the memory of her fallen friend. And for me... the Fray who appears by my side... my soulstone's vision... they've been encouraging us all this time. So when my soulstone breaks, my distress is not unexpected.

I will write my detailed thoughts on Myste when i get to lv 60-70 NG+. Something that I find interesting about the real Fray Myste's role in the story is how his aether interacts with his soulstone even after death. The very same drk stone that we inherit on our journey not only used to belong to him, but also seems to have been influenced by his will. This is still unclear (hazy... misty.. lol) but it makes sense given ShB's context of how we understand imprinting memories onto soulstones.

According to this translator, Fray's dialogue in Japanese gives a very different impression than his lines in the English localization. This part has some unique implications in JP only:

フレイ : そう、僕は君だよ。
君が英雄になるたび心の闇に封じてきた、恐怖や憎しみ……
負の感情という、影なんだ。
フレイ : あのとき……君が初めてソウルクリスタルに触れたとき、
残留していた「本物のフレイ」の「暗黒」の力が発動した。
彼が今際に抱いた生への渇望が、君のエーテルを奪ったんです。
フレイ : けれど、吸収されたのはエーテルだけじゃなかった。
「暗黒」の力に触発された、君の負の感情……
つまり僕が、この体に宿りました。
フレイ : やっと……英雄となって遠ざかっていた君に、
僕と向き合ってもらえる機会を得たんです。
フレイ : ……ですが、奪ったエーテルが尽きてしまえば、
この体を動かすことはできなくなり、僕は消える。
あるいは、君の心の闇に戻されるのかもしれない……。
フレイ : その前に、知ってほしい思いがあった。
君に誰よりも僕を選んでほしかった。
なのに、こいつらが……みんなが邪魔をする……！

FRAY: I am you. The fear and hatred that you keep locked in the darkness of your heart, all the negative thoughts you deny… I am your shadow.
FRAY: You see, when you first touched that soul crystal, the darkness nurtured by the real Fray was invoked… and his lingering desire to live captured some of your aether.
FRAY: He stole not only your aether, but the darkness that lived in your heart… So I came to inhabit his body.
FRAY: And after all that time you spent pushing me away, I finally got to meet you…
FRAY: …But I’m running on borrowed time. Soon, the aether that Fray took from you will be spent. And once that happens, I will no longer be able to move this body… I will disappear once more into the darkness of your heart.
FRAY: Before that happens… I wanted you to understand how I felt. I wanted you to choose me over everyone else. But everyone… everyone keeps getting in my way!

LOCALIZATION
Fray: Say my name. Say it. My real name. Our real name!
Fray: Come now, you knew Fray was dead from the beginning, but you didn’t care!
Fray: You had a sword and a soul crystal. But what you wanted was a mentor.
Fray: A mentor with the gifts and the knowledge. A dark knight who could guide you on the path─who you could aspire to become.
Fray: A man who was free to say and do the things you would not.
Fray: …Even now, you continue to deny it. Well. Deny me all you want. You cannot deny what we have done.
Fray: Have I not been good to you? Have I not given you everything I promised?
Fray: Did I not help you to hear the whispers of our very soul!?
Fray: Open your eyes. Look. Do you see now? Do you see?

The idea that Fray's strong will had a real impact on our aether means that his desires may have indeed imprinted on our Fray. However, I choose to interpret this not as his soul materially influencing our thoughts, but instead that our own principles were invoked and sharpened by witnessing the aftermath of his trial and execution. "the darkness nurtured by the real Fray was invoked" is vague about whether Fray intentionally influenced us after death or whether the present trauma unknowingly influenced us to align our will with Fray's own. Could be a bit of both.

I'm still unsure about the properties of a soul's aether before it enters the lifestream, but I could believe that it could still interact with the world.

see (endwalker spoilers):

the spirits of our friends guiding us in the aitiascope through a mechanism which "allowed us to peer deeper into the aetherial sea than ever before, in search of Hydaelyn's ever-fainter echoes...". Fourchenault mentions about souls, "Some theorize that they linger for some time—those associated with strong sentiment, in particular."

and also (dawntrail spoilers)

While in Living Memory, Cahciua says, "While shutting down a terminal should erase the Endless bound to it, those with strong, unresolved feelings may linger for a time. If you encounter such individuals, perhaps you could lend them an ear. For their hopes are proof that they once lived."

It wouldn't be a huge stretch to say that Fray Myste's powerful anger and sense of justice at the moment of his death could have lingered within his soulstone, if even just for a moment. Just enough time to enkindle the emotions within us as we touched the stone and connected with his aether.

And as for those emotions... we have the answer to the riddle posed by Fray and Sid's master:

“A heart bleeds, a man weeps, a soul burns. Thence comes the darkness, to consume...”

“Yet even in the depths, the flame endures...”

“Submit to the flame and harness the abyss...”

Fray guides us to the answer:

Sidurgu: It all seems so simple in retrospect...
Sidurgu: The moment I stopped trying to find the answer, there it was.
Sidurgu: All that anger, all that rage...born of a fervent desire to protect that which we hold most dear.

Sid asks, "For whom will you stand?"
And I reply: "Myself."

...It stirs within you, yearning to be free.
Look within your heart and decide what sort of man you would be. But mark me well, Theia. Without a flame, the abyss will take you.

It's a system message like the others we've seen throughout the quest. Who's saying this? Our darkside? Our Fray? Anyway, the moogles were right. It's about love... this is Fray Myste's legacy

If we return to Sid after completing dawntrail and all role quests, we can ask him some questions about Fray. Here's what he says:

Sidurgu: Keen to take a stroll down memory lane? I'm not sure what's prompting this, but if you insist...
Sidurgu: Fray was the second pupil Ser Ompagne took after me. In our master's words, I was the smoldering campfire, whereas Fray was the frozen lake.
Sidurgu: He had an unquenchable thirst for knowledge, and pursued the study of conjury in addition to the dark arts. It is well he did, for otherwise he might not have been able to sense Rielle's potential and train her as a healer.
Sidurgu: "Why conjury, of all things?" I once asked him that...
Sidurgu: Fray shrugged and smiled in that way of his, and said, "When you're coming apart at the seams, who else will make you whole again?"
Sidurgu: That was who he was to me. Who he was to you, though... Well. You'd know better than me.

I think about this often... the legacy you'd leave behind. When i would wake up in the snow after following the voices to the lakeside, I thought of the memories of my own friend who fell by similar injustice, and Fray always led me back home

(message left by players through the orange guidance tomestone plugin, which enables a souls-like message system)

also a cute pic of Fray and Sid roleplayers I spotted at a beach party this summer

alone in the windy city

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entitled attitude

february reading

cuntress

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january reading and thoughts

fray